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Corner to Nowhere

It is my corner that leads to nowhere.

Month

September 2015

SHORT LOVE STORY

I just feel so inspired to write this, I don’t know why. Recently, I’ve been thinking about our Short Love Story that happened some time ago.

“If love was a storybook, we’d meet on the very first page.”

When I first met you, I already have this lovely feeling for you. I don’t know how to explain it. I thought that it is just due to the weather at that time. At our very first meeting, you are so gentle and always look out for me. You even talk to me as if that we’ve been together for so long. It is so unusual for me because I have the thinking that I won’t be experiencing that kind of treatment in the beginning of that journey. Your kind conduct towards me made me feel assured and slowly I noticed that my eyes always noticed you. As time passed by, we’ve been close and somehow became a “tandem”. We were so in sync and it feels really nice.

“One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, and then I realized I was thinking about you.”

I don’t know when it started at all. I just feel happy whenever I’m with you. Sometime after we met, I know to myself that I already admire you. The way you act, the way you smile, the way you put up with my childish acts, the way how you make me feel like I’m on cloud nine. I just can’t help it, I feel so lucky that I met someone like you. The first person who makes my heart jumps in joy because of this kind of emotion after my tragic love story.

“Based on a psychological study, a crush only lasts for a maximum of 4 months. If it exceeds then you’re already in love.”

Yes, I admit that I fell in love with you. I treasured every moment that we were together. Even during the hard times, just you being around, it made me feel fine and still have the strength to move forward. I’ve been carrying it at that time but because of the circumstances, I didn’t permit myself to be carried by such emotions. I decided only to tell my close friends about you and shut it when we are together. I hope that the way I acted when I’m in front of you didn’t show how I truly feel about you. I am afraid that you might not see me the way I see you.

“I fell in love with you not for how you look, just for who you are.’

With all honesty, one of the things that I’m really attracted to you is how you carry yourself and the way you look, but those are just additional. The way you show who you are and the way you treated me; all those things are  what made me fall in love with you. These are some of the moments that I will really cherish:

Holding Hands. You first held my hand is when you ask me to grab it to help me. Of course, at that time, it doesn’t have a romantic meaning for me. But the most memorable time that you did is when I’m sick and can’t properly walk, you grab my hand and we walked together. You didn’t know how much my heart beat so fast at that time. I think this is one of the most romantic things that you did for me. I can still feel the touch of your hand, its warmth and tender. I also remember that a lot of people who know the two of us saw us in that state, holding hands, but you didn’t feel embarrassed and it seems that you are proud about it.

Woo. I do admit that I’m the type of girl who won’t admit my mistake unless you say sorry. Though I only do it when I really like the guy. You always put up with my roller coaster mood. You gave me surprises just to woo me and so that we can reconcile. You always ensure that a day won’t end that I feel sulky towards you. How sweet. All of your simple “peace” offerings are still kept in my treasure box.

The “I LOVE YOU”. I don’t know if I should put a meaning into this. But it is really something unusual for you to suddenly say something like that with a straight face and serious eyes. It does make me heart happy. At that time, I fell in love with you more and more.

Mini-date. It is not really the “date” that is known by the general public. It is just that we went home together. We had this talk and you said something that made me a little bit angry and I walked away from you, I thought you won’t follow me but I’m so surprised when you suddenly grab my arm and says “Sorry”. I can’t go further in telling this story; I feel so much “happiness” in my heart now.

Treasured one. I won’t tell the whole story about this, the thing that I can say is that “WE ARE BOTH IN LOVE.”

“I wasn’t planning on loving you, but I’m happy that I did.”

We haven’t seen each other for some time now, but all the memories will always be special to me. I didn’t regret that I fell in love with you; the thing that I feel guilt is that I didn’t have courage at that time to be officially with you. I know that you might have your special someone now and I guess why we are separated with one another is to test our feelings. But if it end that we were not destined, I’m still blessed and lucky to meet someone like you.

Photo credits: www.logosapologia.org

Watashi no hikari ni

There is this one woman who possesses not only beauty on the outside but also in the inside. Someone who has unconsciously shares the light that overflows in her.

Believe me or not, when I first met her on our College School; I had a hard time remembering her face. I can’t explain why but that’s how it is. I guess it took me some time before I become familiar with her beauty. Of course, I’ll admit somehow along the first chapter of our friendship, I thought that she is a person that’s “overconfident” with herself. It is due to the some experiences that I have with “beauties”, I think you know what I mean.

During our first year in College, June 16, 2015, our group called “Star Girls” was formed. You might as why we had that name group, it is because in our Study Area we always coincidentally study in a table that has a star. So that’s it! So simple, right? Our group was consists of 5 female students. Honestly, she was not the one that I’m really close with. When I think about it, we really don’t have “our” moments before. To cut the long story short, I am not that very “buddy buddy” with her before.

Throughout our journey, she is the only person who never left me when I’m at the bottom. She is someone who always believes in me and tells me that I’m the best and boost my confidence by saying “Janna pa ba?” She might not know how much it means to me when she didn’t left me and stood by my side all this time. She is one of the reasons why I was able to conquer all the trials and achieve my goals. I know that I have the “moody” personality but you won’t believe, she is always able to put up with it. Moreover, she gets angry and rebuke me when I did something wrong or when she wants me to realize something. Whenever I feel down and lost, she will always be there with her bright smile, no words might be spoken but I will be able to feel all the things that she wants to say.

Hikari “Light”. The first time that I told her that she is my “Sunshine”, she got somehow irritated, can’t say the reason why. Though I know that this might pissed her again, instead of calling her that, I decided to refer her as “Light” or “Hikari” in Japanese. I think I need to be ready because I have this feeling that her palm will smash me again! Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Whenever I think and look back on our relationship, I feel thankful to God that he gave me such a wonderful person, someone who is very rare nowadays. She might not feel it but I do really love her, if I can just steal her from her boyfriend, I’ll do it. Just kidding! Honestly we really don’t have the same personality, it is just that (I think) we have understanding and acceptance for one another. It is also for the reason that somehow in some ways, we do have the similar situations in our life.

Another confession is, there are times that I thought of the possibility that we will have a disagreement and what if our friendship will be cold, I always ended up in a corner of my room. I’m really scared of that thought. So please, don’t leave me! I promise to be a good girl, ok? Hahahahahaha…

Now I don’t know what I am writing down anymore. Oh well, thank you for being born in this world. Thank you for being a special friend of mine. Thank you for everything, Oinky!

Oh well, here it is the purpose of this blogpost: Advance Happy Birthday, my friend! Mwuah! Mwuah! Tsup Tsup! Aldub you! *pabebe wave*

Photo credits: Da-dah H Ziur

To you…

I.

A lot of things are happening

That sometimes I feel like a weakling

But with the thought that you are watching

I know that I can strongly continue on living.

II.

Several years might have passed

But the happiness you gave me will last

Nothing will be ever compared to that

It’s a keepsake that I only have.

III.

Looking back is somehow painful and hard

Because you won’t be there when I move forward

Standing there and giving me your hand

I will realize that you won’t be by my side.

IV.

It’s so childish to say that I won’t cry anymore

Blabbing that I’ll be strong and all

But just remembering how we are before

I can confidently say that saying those is immature.

V.

How I wish I can go back

From the time that you and I are in tuck

And in playing a guitar you still suck

But still singing to me though it is a flunk.

VI.

Laughing with all your might

It is still crystal clear to my sight

You’re like a moon that shines my dark night

And it’s something that gives my heart a light.

VII.

All my memories of you might fade

But rest assured that my feelings are saved

It is something that won’t be erased

Because it’s deeply carved in my heart and head.

VIII.

I might still regret being unable to do something

When you needed me the most, I did nothing

I’m such a scaredy cat who kept on running

And can’t even protect you, my everything.

IX.

Reading this might make you feel bad

But don’t worry I’m not feeling sad

Meeting you is more than enough and I’m glad

That even it’s somehow a fad, we are both in love.

X.

I really can’t explain why

But now looking above makes me feel smile

As if that I could even fly

Up there where you are, that wonderful sky.

Photo credits: thencomesfamily.com

“IN THE END” by Linkin Park

When I was a little child, I often heard the songs of Linkin Park because of my eldest brother was somehow a “fan” of them. Though during those times, I really didn’t give any care or attention to it because it was really not the genre of songs that I listened to. Little do I know that one the songs of this band will really express my emotions in the future.

I somehow got the feeling that the song “In the End” is somehow connected to romance. It’s kind of the affection that has been neglected. Though I can’t really express why I have that kind of thinking. (I hope that my interpretation is correct.) Honestly at first, I don’t know the whole lyrics of that song I just can recall some of it due to the fact of my brother’s playlist when we were still young. Here is how the story goes how I become so attached to that song:

One ordinary day in my life, during the time I feel that I’m REALLY UNAPPRECIATED (this is a usual feeling that’s why I wrote “ordinary day”, I only seldom feel that I’m valued in that “corner”), somewhere the phrase “one thing I don’t know why it doesn’t even matter how hard you try” cross my mind. Then, I started humming and singing that part again and again. I asked my friends if they know that song. Fortunately, they know it and told me that the title of that song is “In the End” and that’s also the time that I remember that I used to hear it from my brother. Unconsciously, I started to look for it in Youtube and of course, play it. When I first heard it again after several years, I listened to it with all my heart. I think you know what happened next, I searched for its lyrics and memorized it. It became a part of my daily routine to play this song again and again. I think I already need to apologize to my team because it seems that they are getting tired in listening to it.

You might ask me why I suddenly become so attached to that song. I will clear things, it is not because I’m broken or anything related to romance. It is just that its lyrics do really convey my emotions, the way how “it” is going is as just how it goes in that song. To further the explanation, in every part of the song I have my own interpretation or you can say it is reflected to me.

It starts with one thing

I don’t know why

It doesn’t even matter how hard you try

Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme

To explain in due time

All I know

Time is a valuable thing

Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

Watch it count down to the end of the day

The clock ticks life away

—The fact that the first part of this is the key or the starting point why everything happened. Actually, this is the part that I’m really affected, if you can remember this crossed my mind when I was feeling REALLY UNAPPRECIATED. It all started with that one decision. The decision which led me to where I am now, the decision that almost makes everyone around me looked down on yours truly. Of course, I tried to prove them wrong… as a child who grew up always proving herself; it is kind of tiring already… I thought that the decision I made is the right thing. I thought that proving myself once and achieving something that anyone in us haven’t got a hold of will stop the “scale”. Now almost two and half years had passed since I made that decision. It seems that the cons of that is slowly eating my heart and drowning it in loneliness. Without knowing what the future holds, this will be the cause of my internal conflict.

It’s so unreal

Didn’t look out below

Watch the time go right out the window

Trying to hold on, but you didn’t even know

I wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside

And even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me

Will eventually be a memory of a time when

—I can’t believe that so much time has passed. It just seemed that I’ve been stacked in between of the gaps of time. It really feels that I wasted not only the time but also everything that I have. But because of the belief on that certain group of people, I just let it slip and continue to stand where I am now. I just kept all those emotions of regret and fear. I blindly kept on walking that path because in m y heart, I still believe that something would’ve change for the BETTER not for the WORST. I gave the best I can offer but nothing happened, I go as far as stooping down on their level just to make things work smoothly but still my hope is crushed in just a second.

*I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

—Whatever I do, no matter how hard I try to do things it is still not enough. Those people can only see my flaws and that’s the thing that they can see in me. All the wok I’ve done correctly is not enough to justify my existence there. There are several times that I am losing my footing because it is really difficult. I lose everything that I worked hard for just because of the things that happened. I’ve been down several of times and it is not basically due to my weak self but it is because I am being dragged down and the worst part is that they do it while pretending that they are giving me a hand.

One thing, I don’t know why

It doesn’t even matter how hard you try,

Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme,

To remind myself of a how

I tried so hard

In spite of the way you were mocking me

Acting like I was part of your property

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I’m surprised it got so

Things aren’t the way they were before

You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore

Not that you knew me back then

But it all comes back to me in the end

I kept everything inside

And even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

—As things are happening, it really makes me think that I am really bad in making a decision by myself. It is a simple reminder that I am still incompetent and a useless brat. I’ve heard from those people all the degrading words that even my parents haven’t told me. They really don’t know how those words broke not only my heart but also shattered the confidence that I have in myself. I can never get used to those kinds of things though I always hear it from them, time to time. I am no longer the same child that they saw when I first took my step there. They might say that I’ve changed and it is for the worse. I want to say that they are the reason why I become someone like this. They’ve created this personality.

(Repeat *)

I’ve put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

For all this

There’s only one thing you should know

I’ve put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

For all this

There’s only one thing you should know

—I gave all my trust having the belief that they will prove to me that my decision is right. I believed that they will nurture me to a better person and teach me new things. I thought… I thought… my dreams and hope in that place is now in shards. I fought for this but I guess this is where I learn that I should not trust and give my best to those who can’t even see through in their surroundings.

(Repeat *)

That’s it! Honestly, while writing this, I somehow become emotional. Actually, the explanations are really not the whole thing. It is just that there are some emotions that I carry but I can’t put it into writing. I hope that the next song that I will write about will be a song that reflects a positive life that I live (pertaining to the future).

Photo credits: littlebookoflyrics.tumblr.com

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