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Corner to Nowhere

It is my corner that leads to nowhere.

Month

January 2016

Why?

I tried my best not to feel this way

But they made my resolve to sway

Can’t explain but I want to go away

The pain is too immeasurable to weigh.

 

 

My heart and mind is battling

And each day that I bear this feeling

I have the sensation that as if I’m falling

So sickening, that I might lose my footing.

 

 

Remembering that one decision

Makes me feel that I’m in delusion

Thinking back it is just my mere illusion

Now my emotional state is in confusion.

 

 

Others think that everything is fine

On the outside, it is like cloud nine

While in the inside, there’s a whine

A loud one that can make you recline.

 

 

They think that I’m being nonsense

Not knowing why this feeling commence

Hurting me to that point that it’s so immense

Can’t bear and making me so tense.

 

 

Would you blame me that I no longer care?

I’ve fought for a lot of their err

Suffered despair and nightmare

But they just shove it into nowhere.

 

 

Want to ask where did I go wrong?

I’ve done my best and go along.

Is this bond just a deception all along?

I don’t want this pain to prolong.

 

 

Is it just really my viewpoint?

That we’re perfect and can’t be out point.

Why did we reach this point?

All my happiness has been purloined.

 

 

Why? Why? Why?

Tears are flowing from the sky

Thinking that I fell from a place so high

Is this really the end and goodbye?

Where to throw all these emotions?

My head is now spinning… A lot of things are coming from here and there. It is as if meteors are falling in my own world.

 

You know those moments where you don’t even know how to put things though you understand it logically but can’t accept emotionally? It’s as if you’ll be suffering from extreme headache because you’re not used to in not being able to analyze and finalize your decision/stand and resolve before heading and playing a gamble. Moreover, your brain is continuously thinking, calculating and plotting the scenarios that might take place if “this” or “that” happens. If you’ll ask for a comparison how it feels like, it’s like a ship slowly sinking in the sea. The more you think about it, the more you feel empty and useless.

 

Not knowing what should be your next step, taking all aspects into consideration and putting everyone else’s feelings. Somehow, being afraid to the extent that you just want to cry in a corner, wish that those are just nightmares and suddenly waking up realizing that it’s not true. Unfortunately, even how much you pinched yourself… It is still what’s happening and it is the reality.

 

Hesitating to rely on others for help because of some circumstances and not knowing if they’ll listen to understand or to judge/complain; sometimes resulting in keeping it all by yourself.

 

Standing with your own two feet when you’re on the battlefield field and losing your own footing when alone. Trying to act as if you’re handling it well and make it seems like you’re not that much affected despite that it is crashing you inside. Thinking positive and talking optimistically though negative things are running behind your mind. Saying things will be fine but even you are not sure if it will really be.

 

In experiencing those, you can just throw all of those worries and other things to the man up there. He will wholeheartedly accept. No matter what happens, he won’t let you down. Surely, you will feel at times that he is testing you but always and always believe in him; that’s the best thing to do in any situation. Do your best and he will do the rest.

 

Originally written last December 9, 2015

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