My head is now spinning… A lot of things are coming from here and there. It is as if meteors are falling in my own world.
You know those moments where you don’t even know how to put things though you understand it logically but can’t accept emotionally? It’s as if you’ll be suffering from extreme headache because you’re not used to in not being able to analyze and finalize your decision/stand and resolve before heading and playing a gamble. Moreover, your brain is continuously thinking, calculating and plotting the scenarios that might take place if “this” or “that” happens. If you’ll ask for a comparison how it feels like, it’s like a ship slowly sinking in the sea. The more you think about it, the more you feel empty and useless.
Not knowing what should be your next step, taking all aspects into consideration and putting everyone else’s feelings. Somehow, being afraid to the extent that you just want to cry in a corner, wish that those are just nightmares and suddenly waking up realizing that it’s not true. Unfortunately, even how much you pinched yourself… It is still what’s happening and it is the reality.
Hesitating to rely on others for help because of some circumstances and not knowing if they’ll listen to understand or to judge/complain; sometimes resulting in keeping it all by yourself.
Standing with your own two feet when you’re on the battlefield field and losing your own footing when alone. Trying to act as if you’re handling it well and make it seems like you’re not that much affected despite that it is crashing you inside. Thinking positive and talking optimistically though negative things are running behind your mind. Saying things will be fine but even you are not sure if it will really be.
In experiencing those, you can just throw all of those worries and other things to the man up there. He will wholeheartedly accept. No matter what happens, he won’t let you down. Surely, you will feel at times that he is testing you but always and always believe in him; that’s the best thing to do in any situation. Do your best and he will do the rest.
Originally written last December 9, 2015