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Corner to Nowhere

It is my corner that leads to nowhere.

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emotions

Lost Flower in the Wind

Maybe I’m looking for something

But I don’t know what it is

Might be an affection?

Can be an attention?

Or full dedication?

 

Missing out what’s really in me

Doubting skills and talents

Maybe it is here?

Could still be honed?

Or I don’t have it at all?

 

Learning the this and that

Wishing I can try

Will I succeed?

Do I have what it takes?

Or it is just a futile attempt?

 

Coming to a certain point in life

Wanting to fly up above the sky

May I be able to reach the top?

Does flying continuously will bring me up?

Or shall I fall together with my broken wings?

 

Thinking and looking back

Cherishing and reminiscing

Could I be better than ever?

Can I still stand and fly?

Or will I become a withering flower?

 

Photo Credits: HDQWalls

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INNER THOUGHTS OF MINE

A place you don’t know why

Things tend to be like a sky

But mostly it is likely to be dry

Nothing to flow just a cry

 

Wanting to ask so many questions

Can’t even express your emotions

What keeps us from having motions?

Is it hard to be in full connections?

 

Matters seem to be perfect

Yet behind it does not connect

We both speak the same dialect

But our thoughts remain unchecked

 

Where it all began?

Having different path and plan

Not being united and just a one man

Didn’t we restart to be a wise man?

 

Wanting to make things better

Where no one will feel bitter

Is it impossible to be greater?

This for us and our endeavor

 

Stop complaining

Start communicating

Say things that are motivating

Stay in touch while accelerating.

 

 

Photo credits: www.theodysseyonline.com

Chapter 23 Begins!

On this day, God has granted me another year. As I turn to a new chapter, I want to look back and convey all the emotions that I have before this day ends.

With all honesty, before this day I really don’t feel excited at all for “my” day. I don’t know why because commonly I become so eager for this day to come. I do have plans especially for my family and of course in my workplace. I don’t expect anything to happen because I don’t want to be disappointed.

This day has come and the plan has been set in motion. I already prepared for the mini gathering in our office. Of course, before leaving our home I’m already greeted by everyone. Well appreciated because they are so happy for me.

On our office, the moment I came someone greeted me and it shock me because they hid before doing so. Next thing is, almost everyone in the office greeted me and the one that made me surprised is when someone that I’m not really that close before gave me a simple letter that has the wordings “Happy Birthday J”. I was also greeted by our bosses, which makes me feel happy.

Around 9:00 am, we do have a gathering in our parking area. It just so happened that I’m one of the facilitators. They greeted me enthusiastically and even did a surprise wherein they have a cake (my favorite one) and a card that contains their birthday messages. Actually, I really don’t know how to react on that especially on the effort of my teammates. It was just like “Is this really happening?” Of course, after they sang the birthday song, we proceeded in our program. Afterwards, we do have some mini gathering wherein we ate spaghetti and pizza! I was moved and touched how much happiness they have given me on this day. It is more than any material things that I have received on this day. I never thought that I would be able to bond with all of them, the moment that there is no pretentions, hard feelings, and other negative thinking. We only have LOVE and GOOD VIBES!

As for the whole, I thank every people in my life; those who just passed by and to those who stays. For every challenges that is being thrown at me, for every trials and everything that had happened. I might not be perfect and have my own flaws but I will always be stubborn on standing up and keep on moving forward. I might lose somethings as I move to another chapter of my life but I do believe in God that he would replace it with something BETTER!

And TODAY, CHAPTER 23 begins!

Where to throw all these emotions?

My head is now spinning… A lot of things are coming from here and there. It is as if meteors are falling in my own world.

 

You know those moments where you don’t even know how to put things though you understand it logically but can’t accept emotionally? It’s as if you’ll be suffering from extreme headache because you’re not used to in not being able to analyze and finalize your decision/stand and resolve before heading and playing a gamble. Moreover, your brain is continuously thinking, calculating and plotting the scenarios that might take place if “this” or “that” happens. If you’ll ask for a comparison how it feels like, it’s like a ship slowly sinking in the sea. The more you think about it, the more you feel empty and useless.

 

Not knowing what should be your next step, taking all aspects into consideration and putting everyone else’s feelings. Somehow, being afraid to the extent that you just want to cry in a corner, wish that those are just nightmares and suddenly waking up realizing that it’s not true. Unfortunately, even how much you pinched yourself… It is still what’s happening and it is the reality.

 

Hesitating to rely on others for help because of some circumstances and not knowing if they’ll listen to understand or to judge/complain; sometimes resulting in keeping it all by yourself.

 

Standing with your own two feet when you’re on the battlefield field and losing your own footing when alone. Trying to act as if you’re handling it well and make it seems like you’re not that much affected despite that it is crashing you inside. Thinking positive and talking optimistically though negative things are running behind your mind. Saying things will be fine but even you are not sure if it will really be.

 

In experiencing those, you can just throw all of those worries and other things to the man up there. He will wholeheartedly accept. No matter what happens, he won’t let you down. Surely, you will feel at times that he is testing you but always and always believe in him; that’s the best thing to do in any situation. Do your best and he will do the rest.

 

Originally written last December 9, 2015

For My Papa Bear

December 23, 2015

 

Today is your last day… OMG! No, don’t go to the light! Just kidding! Last day in our work. Time flies so fast. It seems that the 2 months that you render for your resignation just flew by and seems like, for me, to be just 2.3456789 days. Hahahahahaha!

 

With all honesty, I’m gonna miss you. Of course, there will no one who will feed me when I’m hungry. Anyways, there are a lot of moments that I will surely miss and will always remember.

 

First of all, I want to say thank you. That’s it! Hahahaha.. Just kidding…

 

Confidant. Thank you for always listening to my roller coaster whining and problems. For always hearing me out even if sometimes I’m like a stupid child who just say whatever I want to say when I complain. Though at times, we both have similar complains. For always being someone who’s ready to listen even I don’t want to speak; you’ll still make me feel that I can count on you. Thank you so much for keeping(?) my moaning confidential.

 

Supporter. Someone who always support me whenever I feel down and depressed. After Papple, left the company more than a year ago, you’ve been the one who become my back-up. You always make me feel that I should have confidence in myself and the decisions that I will make. You always side with me, though at times I’m irrational. You support my jokes and trippings in our office. Hahahahaha…

 

Father. Can I say this? Hahahahaha.. You’re Papa Bear, Sir Jensen is Papa Boar. When Papa Boar went to abroad, he didn’t even give us monetary support. He abandoned us! Hahahahaha! You adopted and welcomed us in your family. Sometimes, I see Papa Boar in you because you are the same size and weight, I think. You look out for us, become our shield (because you are big enough to do so) when bats are coming forth, always concern in our wellbeing, supply us with foods and coffee which Papa Boar didn’t do. Anyways, in this part I’m also teasing Papa Boar. Don’t worry, it is not quite obvious. Hahahahaha! Thank you for allowing me to act as your little mischievous adopted hija.

 

Friend. You’re a person who doesn’t get offended even how much I tease and joke on you. Someone who understands me in my mood swings and just always gives me food to shut me up. You are the one, you already!

 

As a whole, I would like to thank you for everything that you’ve done not only to me but also to my “siblings”. You’ve helped us so much. It would be impossible for me to enumerate how much I owe you. I hope that on the next chapter of your life, you will be successful; of course, I know you will be. Stay in touch, ok?

 

P.S. Can the supply of foods still continue even if you are already not in the office? Hahahahahaha!

The Unappreciated and the Highlighted

Have you ever been in a situation wherein whatever you do, how hard you try your best and how much effort you give; it is still not enough and lacks in different aspects? On the other hand, committing a mistake, even how small and little, it creates an uproar?

 

Many might experience or suffer from being UNAPPRECIATED. You know the fact that doing everything you think that can make a certain scenario better, adjusting to things to make the unsteady into stable, accepting every word that are being thrown at you even though it doesn’t have a basis and pushing yourself to reach others “standards”; yet, it doesn’t matter at all. One more thing, even though you feel you accomplished something and be proud of it… suddenly a meteor will come crashing to you and make you realize that it is not worthy at all. Another? It is when you pour all of your efforts and dedication but the answer to it would be: “It is nothing compared to us!” Just want to ask… is there a rating in order for them to determine what is enough to be accepted as “Effort and Dedication”? Does being “physically” exhausted harder than being “mentally” tired? Does the location matters in terms of saying which one is giving “more”? Lastly, are those beauties in the shadows nothing compared to the ones in the spotlight?

 

In my own opinion, one of the things that causes the feeling of being unappreciated is C-O-M-P-A-R-I-S-O-N. I think it is quite obvious on this blog because of the questions I’ve written down on the previous paragraph. I hope that people can have the thinking that everyone is just like a puzzle piece: has a PLACE and VALUE.

 

The Highlighted. I guess everyone have committed a mistake and repent on it. I think there is no one who loves making a wrong “move” or decision, right? These are instances wherein you will be in between of two colliding walls. It just so happened that you will be caught in it, even though you explain your side, they will listen but not to respond rather it is for them to react. And worse, you’re really not the liable one for it. However, listening to their hurtful words and how does it make you feel after they say whatever they want to say just because you did the “wrong”… It can’t be reverted anymore. The funny part is, you won’t hear an apology for it and still, it is your fault.

 

When does right become wrong? It is when it favors them.

When does wrong become right? It is when it doesn’t favor them.

 

The world is full of trickery. When A committed a mistake, it is a sin and unforgivable. On the other hand, when B did the same, it is only natural and forgivable. Funny. Funny. Funny. Very. Very. Very.

 

I think there are some who are already saying “Can I throw the towel now? I am already beaten to the maximum extent.” It will be nice if when you are already having too much, a ringside bell will ring, so that you can take a break and relax before you continue on the next round. In this world, each individual has a morale that should not be stepped by anyone who doesn’t even know how to respect. Treatment may vary per person; however it must always be fair.

 

Life is about endurance and patience. You are the only one that can decide whether it is time to stop and proceed on a different path. Just always ask for God’s guidance and you will never be lost even if you don’t know where you are going because the Almighty sees what to appreciate on those “unappreciated” and “highlighted” the feeling of being sorry and the repentance for our mistakes.

Unsaid Hello

With a heavy heart and emotional feelings, it is very hard to say goodbye when we haven’t said “Hello” to Chrizzle’s baby, Chrizztle Corine.

When we heard the news that Sinta (the nickname that I gave to Chrizzle) was pregnant, everyone in our barkada was so excited and happy because that will be the first in our circle. We talked about things that concern her pregnancy such as how she found out, how she delivered the news to her family, what she felt on that moment, and a lot of things, too. It was really filled with colors when we are talking about this. The happiness became more and more when we found out the gender of her baby… and yes, it is a girl.

Months and months had passed; Sinta’s excitement was really showing off. We might not be there during the times that she carried her baby in her womb but we feel how she is really looking forward on holding her baby in her arms.

Month of November. It is the month when she is expecting her baby to be born. On the second day of this month, a beautiful and so lovely baby girl came to this world. She and her husband already decided that this little child will be named Chrizztle Corine. Congratulatory messages are piling up because of her successful delivery. We are so excited to see Corine up close and try to hold her. It is such a wonderful happening.

November 4, 2015, around afternoon, a shocking and saddening news broke out. Baby Corine died. Everyone was left speechless, everyone was asking why, everyone was asking for Sinta’s condition and how she is, the feeling of regrets… no words can be explained how that news left us shaken.

The moment when we visited Baby Corine’s wake last November 5, 2015, the sadness was overflowing. Almost everyone in our Barkada was there. The moment when we saw Sinta, there was a sudden hurt in our hearts. The way she conveys her emotions to us, how she tells us how things happened, the things that she and Corine did, and everything that occurred on the two days that she spent with Corine, it is something that moves us. The pain the she is feeling can’t be measured. She acts as if she is already fine but we all know that she is still suffering from her loss. We can’t find the right words to say to her.

To Baby Corine whom most of us haven’t personally met, it is a regret that we weren’t able to see you and only witness you inside a coffin. We all know that you are now in God’s hand. Hope you’ll be your mama’s guardian angel. Make her feel your presence to lessen her bereavement, ok?

So long, little angel.

SHORT LOVE STORY

I just feel so inspired to write this, I don’t know why. Recently, I’ve been thinking about our Short Love Story that happened some time ago.

“If love was a storybook, we’d meet on the very first page.”

When I first met you, I already have this lovely feeling for you. I don’t know how to explain it. I thought that it is just due to the weather at that time. At our very first meeting, you are so gentle and always look out for me. You even talk to me as if that we’ve been together for so long. It is so unusual for me because I have the thinking that I won’t be experiencing that kind of treatment in the beginning of that journey. Your kind conduct towards me made me feel assured and slowly I noticed that my eyes always noticed you. As time passed by, we’ve been close and somehow became a “tandem”. We were so in sync and it feels really nice.

“One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, and then I realized I was thinking about you.”

I don’t know when it started at all. I just feel happy whenever I’m with you. Sometime after we met, I know to myself that I already admire you. The way you act, the way you smile, the way you put up with my childish acts, the way how you make me feel like I’m on cloud nine. I just can’t help it, I feel so lucky that I met someone like you. The first person who makes my heart jumps in joy because of this kind of emotion after my tragic love story.

“Based on a psychological study, a crush only lasts for a maximum of 4 months. If it exceeds then you’re already in love.”

Yes, I admit that I fell in love with you. I treasured every moment that we were together. Even during the hard times, just you being around, it made me feel fine and still have the strength to move forward. I’ve been carrying it at that time but because of the circumstances, I didn’t permit myself to be carried by such emotions. I decided only to tell my close friends about you and shut it when we are together. I hope that the way I acted when I’m in front of you didn’t show how I truly feel about you. I am afraid that you might not see me the way I see you.

“I fell in love with you not for how you look, just for who you are.’

With all honesty, one of the things that I’m really attracted to you is how you carry yourself and the way you look, but those are just additional. The way you show who you are and the way you treated me; all those things are  what made me fall in love with you. These are some of the moments that I will really cherish:

Holding Hands. You first held my hand is when you ask me to grab it to help me. Of course, at that time, it doesn’t have a romantic meaning for me. But the most memorable time that you did is when I’m sick and can’t properly walk, you grab my hand and we walked together. You didn’t know how much my heart beat so fast at that time. I think this is one of the most romantic things that you did for me. I can still feel the touch of your hand, its warmth and tender. I also remember that a lot of people who know the two of us saw us in that state, holding hands, but you didn’t feel embarrassed and it seems that you are proud about it.

Woo. I do admit that I’m the type of girl who won’t admit my mistake unless you say sorry. Though I only do it when I really like the guy. You always put up with my roller coaster mood. You gave me surprises just to woo me and so that we can reconcile. You always ensure that a day won’t end that I feel sulky towards you. How sweet. All of your simple “peace” offerings are still kept in my treasure box.

The “I LOVE YOU”. I don’t know if I should put a meaning into this. But it is really something unusual for you to suddenly say something like that with a straight face and serious eyes. It does make me heart happy. At that time, I fell in love with you more and more.

Mini-date. It is not really the “date” that is known by the general public. It is just that we went home together. We had this talk and you said something that made me a little bit angry and I walked away from you, I thought you won’t follow me but I’m so surprised when you suddenly grab my arm and says “Sorry”. I can’t go further in telling this story; I feel so much “happiness” in my heart now.

Treasured one. I won’t tell the whole story about this, the thing that I can say is that “WE ARE BOTH IN LOVE.”

“I wasn’t planning on loving you, but I’m happy that I did.”

We haven’t seen each other for some time now, but all the memories will always be special to me. I didn’t regret that I fell in love with you; the thing that I feel guilt is that I didn’t have courage at that time to be officially with you. I know that you might have your special someone now and I guess why we are separated with one another is to test our feelings. But if it end that we were not destined, I’m still blessed and lucky to meet someone like you.

Photo credits: www.logosapologia.org

Watashi no hikari ni

There is this one woman who possesses not only beauty on the outside but also in the inside. Someone who has unconsciously shares the light that overflows in her.

Believe me or not, when I first met her on our College School; I had a hard time remembering her face. I can’t explain why but that’s how it is. I guess it took me some time before I become familiar with her beauty. Of course, I’ll admit somehow along the first chapter of our friendship, I thought that she is a person that’s “overconfident” with herself. It is due to the some experiences that I have with “beauties”, I think you know what I mean.

During our first year in College, June 16, 2015, our group called “Star Girls” was formed. You might as why we had that name group, it is because in our Study Area we always coincidentally study in a table that has a star. So that’s it! So simple, right? Our group was consists of 5 female students. Honestly, she was not the one that I’m really close with. When I think about it, we really don’t have “our” moments before. To cut the long story short, I am not that very “buddy buddy” with her before.

Throughout our journey, she is the only person who never left me when I’m at the bottom. She is someone who always believes in me and tells me that I’m the best and boost my confidence by saying “Janna pa ba?” She might not know how much it means to me when she didn’t left me and stood by my side all this time. She is one of the reasons why I was able to conquer all the trials and achieve my goals. I know that I have the “moody” personality but you won’t believe, she is always able to put up with it. Moreover, she gets angry and rebuke me when I did something wrong or when she wants me to realize something. Whenever I feel down and lost, she will always be there with her bright smile, no words might be spoken but I will be able to feel all the things that she wants to say.

Hikari “Light”. The first time that I told her that she is my “Sunshine”, she got somehow irritated, can’t say the reason why. Though I know that this might pissed her again, instead of calling her that, I decided to refer her as “Light” or “Hikari” in Japanese. I think I need to be ready because I have this feeling that her palm will smash me again! Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Whenever I think and look back on our relationship, I feel thankful to God that he gave me such a wonderful person, someone who is very rare nowadays. She might not feel it but I do really love her, if I can just steal her from her boyfriend, I’ll do it. Just kidding! Honestly we really don’t have the same personality, it is just that (I think) we have understanding and acceptance for one another. It is also for the reason that somehow in some ways, we do have the similar situations in our life.

Another confession is, there are times that I thought of the possibility that we will have a disagreement and what if our friendship will be cold, I always ended up in a corner of my room. I’m really scared of that thought. So please, don’t leave me! I promise to be a good girl, ok? Hahahahahaha…

Now I don’t know what I am writing down anymore. Oh well, thank you for being born in this world. Thank you for being a special friend of mine. Thank you for everything, Oinky!

Oh well, here it is the purpose of this blogpost: Advance Happy Birthday, my friend! Mwuah! Mwuah! Tsup Tsup! Aldub you! *pabebe wave*

Photo credits: Da-dah H Ziur

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