When I was a little child, I often heard the songs of Linkin Park because of my eldest brother was somehow a “fan” of them. Though during those times, I really didn’t give any care or attention to it because it was really not the genre of songs that I listened to. Little do I know that one the songs of this band will really express my emotions in the future.

I somehow got the feeling that the song “In the End” is somehow connected to romance. It’s kind of the affection that has been neglected. Though I can’t really express why I have that kind of thinking. (I hope that my interpretation is correct.) Honestly at first, I don’t know the whole lyrics of that song I just can recall some of it due to the fact of my brother’s playlist when we were still young. Here is how the story goes how I become so attached to that song:

One ordinary day in my life, during the time I feel that I’m REALLY UNAPPRECIATED (this is a usual feeling that’s why I wrote “ordinary day”, I only seldom feel that I’m valued in that “corner”), somewhere the phrase “one thing I don’t know why it doesn’t even matter how hard you try” cross my mind. Then, I started humming and singing that part again and again. I asked my friends if they know that song. Fortunately, they know it and told me that the title of that song is “In the End” and that’s also the time that I remember that I used to hear it from my brother. Unconsciously, I started to look for it in Youtube and of course, play it. When I first heard it again after several years, I listened to it with all my heart. I think you know what happened next, I searched for its lyrics and memorized it. It became a part of my daily routine to play this song again and again. I think I already need to apologize to my team because it seems that they are getting tired in listening to it.

You might ask me why I suddenly become so attached to that song. I will clear things, it is not because I’m broken or anything related to romance. It is just that its lyrics do really convey my emotions, the way how “it” is going is as just how it goes in that song. To further the explanation, in every part of the song I have my own interpretation or you can say it is reflected to me.

It starts with one thing

I don’t know why

It doesn’t even matter how hard you try

Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme

To explain in due time

All I know

Time is a valuable thing

Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

Watch it count down to the end of the day

The clock ticks life away

—The fact that the first part of this is the key or the starting point why everything happened. Actually, this is the part that I’m really affected, if you can remember this crossed my mind when I was feeling REALLY UNAPPRECIATED. It all started with that one decision. The decision which led me to where I am now, the decision that almost makes everyone around me looked down on yours truly. Of course, I tried to prove them wrong… as a child who grew up always proving herself; it is kind of tiring already… I thought that the decision I made is the right thing. I thought that proving myself once and achieving something that anyone in us haven’t got a hold of will stop the “scale”. Now almost two and half years had passed since I made that decision. It seems that the cons of that is slowly eating my heart and drowning it in loneliness. Without knowing what the future holds, this will be the cause of my internal conflict.

It’s so unreal

Didn’t look out below

Watch the time go right out the window

Trying to hold on, but you didn’t even know

I wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside

And even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me

Will eventually be a memory of a time when

—I can’t believe that so much time has passed. It just seemed that I’ve been stacked in between of the gaps of time. It really feels that I wasted not only the time but also everything that I have. But because of the belief on that certain group of people, I just let it slip and continue to stand where I am now. I just kept all those emotions of regret and fear. I blindly kept on walking that path because in m y heart, I still believe that something would’ve change for the BETTER not for the WORST. I gave the best I can offer but nothing happened, I go as far as stooping down on their level just to make things work smoothly but still my hope is crushed in just a second.

*I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn’t even matter

—Whatever I do, no matter how hard I try to do things it is still not enough. Those people can only see my flaws and that’s the thing that they can see in me. All the wok I’ve done correctly is not enough to justify my existence there. There are several times that I am losing my footing because it is really difficult. I lose everything that I worked hard for just because of the things that happened. I’ve been down several of times and it is not basically due to my weak self but it is because I am being dragged down and the worst part is that they do it while pretending that they are giving me a hand.

One thing, I don’t know why

It doesn’t even matter how hard you try,

Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme,

To remind myself of a how

I tried so hard

In spite of the way you were mocking me

Acting like I was part of your property

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I’m surprised it got so

Things aren’t the way they were before

You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore

Not that you knew me back then

But it all comes back to me in the end

I kept everything inside

And even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

—As things are happening, it really makes me think that I am really bad in making a decision by myself. It is a simple reminder that I am still incompetent and a useless brat. I’ve heard from those people all the degrading words that even my parents haven’t told me. They really don’t know how those words broke not only my heart but also shattered the confidence that I have in myself. I can never get used to those kinds of things though I always hear it from them, time to time. I am no longer the same child that they saw when I first took my step there. They might say that I’ve changed and it is for the worse. I want to say that they are the reason why I become someone like this. They’ve created this personality.

(Repeat *)

I’ve put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

For all this

There’s only one thing you should know

I’ve put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

For all this

There’s only one thing you should know

—I gave all my trust having the belief that they will prove to me that my decision is right. I believed that they will nurture me to a better person and teach me new things. I thought… I thought… my dreams and hope in that place is now in shards. I fought for this but I guess this is where I learn that I should not trust and give my best to those who can’t even see through in their surroundings.

(Repeat *)

That’s it! Honestly, while writing this, I somehow become emotional. Actually, the explanations are really not the whole thing. It is just that there are some emotions that I carry but I can’t put it into writing. I hope that the next song that I will write about will be a song that reflects a positive life that I live (pertaining to the future).

Photo credits: littlebookoflyrics.tumblr.com