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Corner to Nowhere

It is my corner that leads to nowhere.

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pain

Lost Flower in the Wind

Maybe I’m looking for something

But I don’t know what it is

Might be an affection?

Can be an attention?

Or full dedication?

 

Missing out what’s really in me

Doubting skills and talents

Maybe it is here?

Could still be honed?

Or I don’t have it at all?

 

Learning the this and that

Wishing I can try

Will I succeed?

Do I have what it takes?

Or it is just a futile attempt?

 

Coming to a certain point in life

Wanting to fly up above the sky

May I be able to reach the top?

Does flying continuously will bring me up?

Or shall I fall together with my broken wings?

 

Thinking and looking back

Cherishing and reminiscing

Could I be better than ever?

Can I still stand and fly?

Or will I become a withering flower?

 

Photo Credits: HDQWalls

Where to throw all these emotions?

My head is now spinning… A lot of things are coming from here and there. It is as if meteors are falling in my own world.

 

You know those moments where you don’t even know how to put things though you understand it logically but can’t accept emotionally? It’s as if you’ll be suffering from extreme headache because you’re not used to in not being able to analyze and finalize your decision/stand and resolve before heading and playing a gamble. Moreover, your brain is continuously thinking, calculating and plotting the scenarios that might take place if “this” or “that” happens. If you’ll ask for a comparison how it feels like, it’s like a ship slowly sinking in the sea. The more you think about it, the more you feel empty and useless.

 

Not knowing what should be your next step, taking all aspects into consideration and putting everyone else’s feelings. Somehow, being afraid to the extent that you just want to cry in a corner, wish that those are just nightmares and suddenly waking up realizing that it’s not true. Unfortunately, even how much you pinched yourself… It is still what’s happening and it is the reality.

 

Hesitating to rely on others for help because of some circumstances and not knowing if they’ll listen to understand or to judge/complain; sometimes resulting in keeping it all by yourself.

 

Standing with your own two feet when you’re on the battlefield field and losing your own footing when alone. Trying to act as if you’re handling it well and make it seems like you’re not that much affected despite that it is crashing you inside. Thinking positive and talking optimistically though negative things are running behind your mind. Saying things will be fine but even you are not sure if it will really be.

 

In experiencing those, you can just throw all of those worries and other things to the man up there. He will wholeheartedly accept. No matter what happens, he won’t let you down. Surely, you will feel at times that he is testing you but always and always believe in him; that’s the best thing to do in any situation. Do your best and he will do the rest.

 

Originally written last December 9, 2015

Unsaid Hello

With a heavy heart and emotional feelings, it is very hard to say goodbye when we haven’t said “Hello” to Chrizzle’s baby, Chrizztle Corine.

When we heard the news that Sinta (the nickname that I gave to Chrizzle) was pregnant, everyone in our barkada was so excited and happy because that will be the first in our circle. We talked about things that concern her pregnancy such as how she found out, how she delivered the news to her family, what she felt on that moment, and a lot of things, too. It was really filled with colors when we are talking about this. The happiness became more and more when we found out the gender of her baby… and yes, it is a girl.

Months and months had passed; Sinta’s excitement was really showing off. We might not be there during the times that she carried her baby in her womb but we feel how she is really looking forward on holding her baby in her arms.

Month of November. It is the month when she is expecting her baby to be born. On the second day of this month, a beautiful and so lovely baby girl came to this world. She and her husband already decided that this little child will be named Chrizztle Corine. Congratulatory messages are piling up because of her successful delivery. We are so excited to see Corine up close and try to hold her. It is such a wonderful happening.

November 4, 2015, around afternoon, a shocking and saddening news broke out. Baby Corine died. Everyone was left speechless, everyone was asking why, everyone was asking for Sinta’s condition and how she is, the feeling of regrets… no words can be explained how that news left us shaken.

The moment when we visited Baby Corine’s wake last November 5, 2015, the sadness was overflowing. Almost everyone in our Barkada was there. The moment when we saw Sinta, there was a sudden hurt in our hearts. The way she conveys her emotions to us, how she tells us how things happened, the things that she and Corine did, and everything that occurred on the two days that she spent with Corine, it is something that moves us. The pain the she is feeling can’t be measured. She acts as if she is already fine but we all know that she is still suffering from her loss. We can’t find the right words to say to her.

To Baby Corine whom most of us haven’t personally met, it is a regret that we weren’t able to see you and only witness you inside a coffin. We all know that you are now in God’s hand. Hope you’ll be your mama’s guardian angel. Make her feel your presence to lessen her bereavement, ok?

So long, little angel.

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