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Corner to Nowhere

It is my corner that leads to nowhere.

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Lost Flower in the Wind

Maybe I’m looking for something

But I don’t know what it is

Might be an affection?

Can be an attention?

Or full dedication?

 

Missing out what’s really in me

Doubting skills and talents

Maybe it is here?

Could still be honed?

Or I don’t have it at all?

 

Learning the this and that

Wishing I can try

Will I succeed?

Do I have what it takes?

Or it is just a futile attempt?

 

Coming to a certain point in life

Wanting to fly up above the sky

May I be able to reach the top?

Does flying continuously will bring me up?

Or shall I fall together with my broken wings?

 

Thinking and looking back

Cherishing and reminiscing

Could I be better than ever?

Can I still stand and fly?

Or will I become a withering flower?

 

Photo Credits: HDQWalls

INNER THOUGHTS OF MINE

A place you don’t know why

Things tend to be like a sky

But mostly it is likely to be dry

Nothing to flow just a cry

 

Wanting to ask so many questions

Can’t even express your emotions

What keeps us from having motions?

Is it hard to be in full connections?

 

Matters seem to be perfect

Yet behind it does not connect

We both speak the same dialect

But our thoughts remain unchecked

 

Where it all began?

Having different path and plan

Not being united and just a one man

Didn’t we restart to be a wise man?

 

Wanting to make things better

Where no one will feel bitter

Is it impossible to be greater?

This for us and our endeavor

 

Stop complaining

Start communicating

Say things that are motivating

Stay in touch while accelerating.

 

 

Photo credits: www.theodysseyonline.com

Chapter 23 Begins!

On this day, God has granted me another year. As I turn to a new chapter, I want to look back and convey all the emotions that I have before this day ends.

With all honesty, before this day I really don’t feel excited at all for “my” day. I don’t know why because commonly I become so eager for this day to come. I do have plans especially for my family and of course in my workplace. I don’t expect anything to happen because I don’t want to be disappointed.

This day has come and the plan has been set in motion. I already prepared for the mini gathering in our office. Of course, before leaving our home I’m already greeted by everyone. Well appreciated because they are so happy for me.

On our office, the moment I came someone greeted me and it shock me because they hid before doing so. Next thing is, almost everyone in the office greeted me and the one that made me surprised is when someone that I’m not really that close before gave me a simple letter that has the wordings “Happy Birthday J”. I was also greeted by our bosses, which makes me feel happy.

Around 9:00 am, we do have a gathering in our parking area. It just so happened that I’m one of the facilitators. They greeted me enthusiastically and even did a surprise wherein they have a cake (my favorite one) and a card that contains their birthday messages. Actually, I really don’t know how to react on that especially on the effort of my teammates. It was just like “Is this really happening?” Of course, after they sang the birthday song, we proceeded in our program. Afterwards, we do have some mini gathering wherein we ate spaghetti and pizza! I was moved and touched how much happiness they have given me on this day. It is more than any material things that I have received on this day. I never thought that I would be able to bond with all of them, the moment that there is no pretentions, hard feelings, and other negative thinking. We only have LOVE and GOOD VIBES!

As for the whole, I thank every people in my life; those who just passed by and to those who stays. For every challenges that is being thrown at me, for every trials and everything that had happened. I might not be perfect and have my own flaws but I will always be stubborn on standing up and keep on moving forward. I might lose somethings as I move to another chapter of my life but I do believe in God that he would replace it with something BETTER!

And TODAY, CHAPTER 23 begins!

The Unappreciated and the Highlighted

Just reminiscing this blog post.

Corner to Nowhere

Have you ever been in a situation wherein whatever you do, how hard you try your best and how much effort you give; it is still not enough and lacks in different aspects? On the other hand, committing a mistake, even how small and little, it creates an uproar?

Many might experience or suffer from being UNAPPRECIATED. You know the fact that doing everything you think that can make a certain scenario better, adjusting to things to make the unsteady into stable, accepting every word that are being thrown at you even though it doesn’t have a basis and pushing yourself to reach others “standards”; yet, it doesn’t matter at all. One more thing, even though you feel you accomplished something and be proud of it… suddenly a meteor will come crashing to you and make you realize that it is not worthy at all. Another? It is when you…

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Why?

I tried my best not to feel this way

But they made my resolve to sway

Can’t explain but I want to go away

The pain is too immeasurable to weigh.

 

 

My heart and mind is battling

And each day that I bear this feeling

I have the sensation that as if I’m falling

So sickening, that I might lose my footing.

 

 

Remembering that one decision

Makes me feel that I’m in delusion

Thinking back it is just my mere illusion

Now my emotional state is in confusion.

 

 

Others think that everything is fine

On the outside, it is like cloud nine

While in the inside, there’s a whine

A loud one that can make you recline.

 

 

They think that I’m being nonsense

Not knowing why this feeling commence

Hurting me to that point that it’s so immense

Can’t bear and making me so tense.

 

 

Would you blame me that I no longer care?

I’ve fought for a lot of their err

Suffered despair and nightmare

But they just shove it into nowhere.

 

 

Want to ask where did I go wrong?

I’ve done my best and go along.

Is this bond just a deception all along?

I don’t want this pain to prolong.

 

 

Is it just really my viewpoint?

That we’re perfect and can’t be out point.

Why did we reach this point?

All my happiness has been purloined.

 

 

Why? Why? Why?

Tears are flowing from the sky

Thinking that I fell from a place so high

Is this really the end and goodbye?

Where to throw all these emotions?

My head is now spinning… A lot of things are coming from here and there. It is as if meteors are falling in my own world.

 

You know those moments where you don’t even know how to put things though you understand it logically but can’t accept emotionally? It’s as if you’ll be suffering from extreme headache because you’re not used to in not being able to analyze and finalize your decision/stand and resolve before heading and playing a gamble. Moreover, your brain is continuously thinking, calculating and plotting the scenarios that might take place if “this” or “that” happens. If you’ll ask for a comparison how it feels like, it’s like a ship slowly sinking in the sea. The more you think about it, the more you feel empty and useless.

 

Not knowing what should be your next step, taking all aspects into consideration and putting everyone else’s feelings. Somehow, being afraid to the extent that you just want to cry in a corner, wish that those are just nightmares and suddenly waking up realizing that it’s not true. Unfortunately, even how much you pinched yourself… It is still what’s happening and it is the reality.

 

Hesitating to rely on others for help because of some circumstances and not knowing if they’ll listen to understand or to judge/complain; sometimes resulting in keeping it all by yourself.

 

Standing with your own two feet when you’re on the battlefield field and losing your own footing when alone. Trying to act as if you’re handling it well and make it seems like you’re not that much affected despite that it is crashing you inside. Thinking positive and talking optimistically though negative things are running behind your mind. Saying things will be fine but even you are not sure if it will really be.

 

In experiencing those, you can just throw all of those worries and other things to the man up there. He will wholeheartedly accept. No matter what happens, he won’t let you down. Surely, you will feel at times that he is testing you but always and always believe in him; that’s the best thing to do in any situation. Do your best and he will do the rest.

 

Originally written last December 9, 2015

For My Papa Bear

December 23, 2015

 

Today is your last day… OMG! No, don’t go to the light! Just kidding! Last day in our work. Time flies so fast. It seems that the 2 months that you render for your resignation just flew by and seems like, for me, to be just 2.3456789 days. Hahahahahaha!

 

With all honesty, I’m gonna miss you. Of course, there will no one who will feed me when I’m hungry. Anyways, there are a lot of moments that I will surely miss and will always remember.

 

First of all, I want to say thank you. That’s it! Hahahaha.. Just kidding…

 

Confidant. Thank you for always listening to my roller coaster whining and problems. For always hearing me out even if sometimes I’m like a stupid child who just say whatever I want to say when I complain. Though at times, we both have similar complains. For always being someone who’s ready to listen even I don’t want to speak; you’ll still make me feel that I can count on you. Thank you so much for keeping(?) my moaning confidential.

 

Supporter. Someone who always support me whenever I feel down and depressed. After Papple, left the company more than a year ago, you’ve been the one who become my back-up. You always make me feel that I should have confidence in myself and the decisions that I will make. You always side with me, though at times I’m irrational. You support my jokes and trippings in our office. Hahahahaha…

 

Father. Can I say this? Hahahahaha.. You’re Papa Bear, Sir Jensen is Papa Boar. When Papa Boar went to abroad, he didn’t even give us monetary support. He abandoned us! Hahahahaha! You adopted and welcomed us in your family. Sometimes, I see Papa Boar in you because you are the same size and weight, I think. You look out for us, become our shield (because you are big enough to do so) when bats are coming forth, always concern in our wellbeing, supply us with foods and coffee which Papa Boar didn’t do. Anyways, in this part I’m also teasing Papa Boar. Don’t worry, it is not quite obvious. Hahahahaha! Thank you for allowing me to act as your little mischievous adopted hija.

 

Friend. You’re a person who doesn’t get offended even how much I tease and joke on you. Someone who understands me in my mood swings and just always gives me food to shut me up. You are the one, you already!

 

As a whole, I would like to thank you for everything that you’ve done not only to me but also to my “siblings”. You’ve helped us so much. It would be impossible for me to enumerate how much I owe you. I hope that on the next chapter of your life, you will be successful; of course, I know you will be. Stay in touch, ok?

 

P.S. Can the supply of foods still continue even if you are already not in the office? Hahahahahaha!

My Day and Night

With all actuality, I’ve been noticing that the sky, whenever I left our home, looks the same when I returned from work.

 

If you had read my previous blog about the “Epic Fail Alarm”, you already know that I woke up so early; take note that I only need an hour to prepare myself before leaving our home. The time that I need to report in our office is 8:45 am, though due to the place where I live… I have to allocate an allowance in order for me not to be late, not to mention that it is also due to the enormous traffic, so I guess you already have an idea how far my place is to my work.

 

You’re correct if you are thinking that I’m a bit lacking in sleep. During my transit, I sleep so that even just few minutes I can still have some power nap. When I reach our office, I also try to nap because most of the time, I arrive an hour early before our office hours. You might think that I should extend my sleep in our home so that I can have a complete rest; but I’m telling you, it would make my morning irritating. Just as I have mentioned, the enemy that I have is traffic so I can’t tell if I leave our home even just 10 minutes later than the usual time, I won’t be late. I already experienced leaving at my normal time but still, I reach our office 30 minutes after the reporting time. I really dislike being late so it will just affect my whole day whenever I’m late.

 

I can get see the sun and feel its presence during our lunch breaks because we eat outside our office. That is the time that I can savor its warm, though sometimes it is so agitating because it hurts the skin.

 

Sometimes, I encounter being sleepy during working. But as our policy states, it is not allowed to do so. I’ll just get a cup of coffee in believing that I’ll wake me up or if luckily, eat chocolates. Playing dance music can also make the sleepiness go away.

 

Finishing the day in our office would be around 6:00 PM, so there won’t be any sun when we leave the vicinity. It is also because we still spent some minutes in our office before going home. With all the exhaustion that we have for that day, of course, we feel sleepier. If you will ask, I’ll reach our home, if it is the usual time it will be around 8:30 PM, if unlucky I’ll be home at 10:00 PM. Moreover, when I’m already there the only thing that I’ll do is to lie in my bed, pray and sleep.

 

So, whenever it is Sunday… I do sleep so much to regain what I lost during Mondays to Saturdays.

 

P.S. That’s also one of the reasons why I don’t have much time to write in my blog.

REOPENED PATH

While I am writing this, it is currently raining. Due to the weather, I recalled the time when I had an ambition that was not fulfilled and achieved.

 

I can’t exactly remember if it is before or during my first year high school that I started a somehow unique habit. The thing that is very clear and vivid in my memory is the weather on that day, it was raining. It just came on me, I think it is due to so much admiration that I have for Anime, the feeling to write stories from my imagination and/or something that is based on my own experiences. I think everyone knows that during high school days, it is frequently asked what we want to be in the future. During those times, I was certain and already believed that in the next years I will be a WRITER, more specifically a script writer.

 

In the entire time of my high school, I focused on developing that skill. I also joined the Journalism Club to gain more knowledge and I’m glad that I did, though it is really not my forte to write news. I can still remember that one of my articles for Literature was published in our school newspaper and our professor complimented me for that. At home after doing my home works (if I won’t watch Anime), I will write stories. I wrote several stories and I even had a notebook wherein all my concepts or ideas are written. I am really so pumped up to do this every now and then. The fulfillment that I have every time I write and finish a story is something so precious to me. My whole world revolved in writing and Anime on those times.

 

When I already reached the last year of my high school, I am decided that I will take Mass Communication and/or Creative Writing. In every university that I applied for, those are my chosen field or career. Though at first, my parents didn’t agree on me in choosing those courses, I eventually persuaded them to allow me to take either of the two.

 

I thought everything will go smoothly and I will soon achieve my dream but it seems that destiny didn’t allowed it. I didn’t pass in the university that I’m confident to pass. It made feel broken and sad. Of course, I had no choice, I want to go to college so I just randomly chose any course because I don’t care anymore, and I just want to study. After being accepted in an Institute (they don’t offer the course that I want) and pay all the necessary tuition fees, a news arrived. News saying that I do passed the university that I thought I failed. However, I won’t be able to take it because I am already accepted in a different school. I know that others might say that I should have grabbed it if I really want to take Mass Communication, but I don’t want the money of my parents go to waste because if I will back out on the institute that I enrolled, the money won’t be returned anymore. I just told myself that the reason why this happened is because God has a better plan for me.

 

During my first two years in college, I didn’t write anything anymore. I just focused on studying. After a certain hurtful incident, I started to write again because I used it as an outlet of my emotions. But afterwards, I stopped again because it reminded me of the time that I wasn’t able to be someone that I want to be.

 

One time, I just spoke about this matter on a special and dear friend of mine. She told me that I can still pursue my dream. I made me feel that I should do so.

 

Now that I’m currently working and it is related to the course that I took in College. I realized that I can start writing again and that’s why I have this blog right now. I’m so happy that I’m able to reopen this path.

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